HEALING THE SOUL WOUNDS OF WAR
Scott Hutchinson and
Glen Miller is a veteran of the Vietnam War. He served as an Army Ranger
Team Leader from September 1969-September 1970. Six men made up a standard
Army Ranger combat patrol. Glen is also adjunct professor for Temple University’s
Fox School of Business. He teaches ethics and leadership
courses. Glen founded Veteran’s Community Network in 2014. His wife
Mary helps him lead VCN. They have two daughters and four grandchildren.
Scott Hutchinson is Pastor of St. Andrew’s United Church of
Christ in Perkasie, PA, where he has served for 21 years. He was
previously a counseling professional. His areas of focus and expertise include
forgiveness, trauma healing, and peace education. Scott is co-founder of
Touchstone Veterans Outreach and the COMPASS Healing Circle. Scott is married
to Debra, a US Army veteran. They have three children and a grandson.
"Well I am
almost through my first patrol. The jungle is hot and dense. For four days I
have not been able to see more than a few yards ahead. Monkeys and
snakes move suddenly and scare me but so far no NVA. It was my hope
to earn my stripes with some action. This war includes killing and
dying just like other wars, and I did not see any of that so far. Sarge
holds up his fist for the five of us to stop. Our team is on the
edge of the LZ. We have survived and soon will be extracted through
a small clearing in Southeast Asia jungle. Sarge indicates that we
should sit and rest; eyes front, sides and Pudge takes the rear. His face says
we are never safe.
I open up a
can of peaches saved for this occasion, the end of my first Ranger patrol. I
slurp some peach juice. Then crack, crack, crack of two weapons.
Sarge and his point man kill a man on the LZ. I cannot see clearly
but now there is just silence and the hum of the radio.
Pop smoke!
Roger, smoke out. Purple smoke! Roger. The chopper pulls into the LZ, I finish
my peaches and prepare to move out. Now, I see the dead man. He
looks young. I see no weapon. I get on the chopper."
Glen told this story in the
Healing Circle. Glen, Scott and others commit to Circle once a month. In Circle
we tell our truth and truth continues to unfold. Our spirits and souls are
intertwined within these stories. The authors are: Glen, a Vietnam era combat
veteran; and Scott, a minister and a man of peace with his own
experiences in war zones and places of enmeshed conflict. Scott is a Strong
Heart for the Circle process. Strong Hearts listen without judgment.
Together we (Scott and
Glen) will use snippets of our dialogue to explore journeys of healing from the
soul wounds of war. We will pay particular attention to the relationship
between forgiveness and atonement in addressing the crucible of wars demons:
namely betrayal, murder, killing and fear. We do not intend to minimize the
courage and honor that also accommodate the fog of war. However, our purpose is
not with the many positive stories. Our purpose is to illuminate the deep and
unrelenting pain that many veterans suffer. Some may characterize the pain as
moral injury.
*****
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| Glen Miller as a soldier in Vietnam |
Glen: Now days I reflect on
that first combat patrol. In my gut I know that Sarge should not
have shot that man to death. Forty five years after the fact I know
that I witnessed a murder. Murder is wrong and I was a witness. What do you do
with that dreadful thought?
Questions haunt me,
particularly at night. Could I have done anything to stop the
murder? Why do these things happen? Is it alright to kill someone
that may be an enemy at night but searching for food by day?
I do not expect answers in
Circle. What seems to be working is deep listening and openness to
difficult truths that I am telling. Many times I wish that I never questioned
the killing. Nobody said anything about it when we got on the
chopper. The mood was that killing an innocent is just part of war. Could
I be the only one that questions the morality of this act? Was my
inaction a betrayal of my own conscience? Are there moral standards
in war? Or perhaps a better question is: do immoral acts linger in the soul of
the soldier? If so, and I think they do; what can one do to make amends?
Scott: You have a flood of
important, interrelated questions there. First, you are articulating
–with considerable clarity—your own experience of moral injury, what we have
called a “soul wound.” You are someone who participated in several dozen combat
missions, events that have continued to impact and shape your life over five
subsequent decades. Post –traumatic stress has been a daily reality
for you and your wife over those years.
Glen: So killing that
innocent kid wounded me even though I did not shoot him?
Scott: Yes. Moral injury
can result when soldiers violate their core moral beliefs. The consequences can
be devastating.
Glen: I think that’s true.
But I never thought about it that way.
Scott: What is unsettling
you now is that, forty-five years later, you are identifying this initial
trauma as one that substantially defines and frames your war year, and that may
be the source of your greatest distress.
Glen: Well I had not
thought about that first mission until Circle. I think the prompt for that
night in Circle was about trust and betrayal.
Scott: Though you have
admittedly taken life in combat, what is most disturbing to you is that you
witnessed what you now describe as the murder of an unarmed man.
Glen: I know I do not wake
up at night thinking about killing NVA. I do wake up thinking about that kid
coming back to get me.
Scott: You ask yourself,
“Could I have done anything to stop it?” It bothers you deeply that no one,
including you, objected.
Glen: It is bothering me
now.
Scott: You asked
if your inaction was a betrayal of your conscience.
Glen: Yes, it is and it
hurts. Right now I wish that I never questioned the killing.
Scott: That is
acknowledgment that you are grappling with material that is essential for your
healing and for your commitment to live with integrity. Glen, if you listen
again to your own questions, you’ll realize that they are not so much queries
as they are testimony. They have implications for all of us! But let’s stick
with you.
Glen: Remembering is
challenging and painful. I have witnessed immoral acts. I have killed in
combat. And I have sinned. These acts and witnesses are a part of me. So how do
I bring my full identity into congruence with the man I intend to be?
Scott: “Forty five years
after the fact I know I witnessed a murder.” While you may not be able to
identify every development that has led to this revelation, it seems to me that
there is a measure of salvation for you in reclaiming the details. You also
state with equal clarity: “I have witnessed immoral acts. I have killed in
combat. I have sinned. These acts and witnesses are a part of me.” Your words
are deeply confessional. Has sharing your story with me and in Circle enabled
your confession?
Glen: Sure. Talking with
friends and veterans in Circle has helped me remember. Talking with you helps
clear up the mess.
Scott: I think that the
story of the first patrol ending in murder is an awakening for the deeper soul
searching. The story demanding to come out was prompted by the sacredness of
our Circle and our friendship. The first patrol may not have been
your defining combat experience; but it is certainly revealed as a defining
moral experience.
Glen: I do feel guilty,
like I did something wrong.
Scott: When I hear the
clarity of your statements and the language that you choose, I am reminded of
our mission partner Chris, who was an Army Chaplain in Afghanistan. He
has suggested that to pastorally understand the problem facing returning
veterans, we need to wrestle with the term sin and its meaning. That
killing is an offense to our nature, an offense to right conscience. That sin
seems to be an inevitable consequence of all war. (1)
Glen: Probably it is. It is
confusing but sharing my confusion helps.
Scott: Your story is
powerful commentary on what Chris has said. As I
re-read his words I can also hear you: “So how do I bring my full identity into
congruence with the man I intend to be?” This is so important. When we talk
about the soul we are talking about identity at the richest levels of our
self-understanding and expression. The soul is who we are as whole people;
deeply human. Soul wounds are injuries – often severe- that do harm and
distortion to that identity. In reluctantly identifying yourself as “sinner,”
one who has witnessed immorality and has killed, you are claiming your history
as someone who has wounded others and also incurred wounds. You are speaking
truth and also claiming your moral agency.
Glen: Well, it is a relief
to remember. It also disturbs my sleep; but the witnessing of killing an
innocent is definitely more disturbing than combat.
Scott: The
groundbreaking VA study that began addressing “moral injury” identified anguish,
guilt, and shame as “signs of an intact conscience and self and other
expectations about goodness, humanity and justice.” (2) So
your inner and increasingly articulated struggles are a sign of your moral
health, Glen; a significant measure of well-being and intactness in the midst
of the pain and confusion that has been a chronic state.
Glen: Just remembering is then
a step towards wholeness.
Scott: Yes. The future can
be different not in spite of the sin and wounded-ness but because of it and
your willingness to claim it. Your truth illuminates broader truths.
That you are a sinner in a society that is sinful and engages the sin of war
with an addictive fervor. (3) But that is not all of who
you are: neither is it all that your comrades in-arms are or will be.
Glen: I want to be less
angry and more at peace.
Scott: Is giving voice to
your experiences helping you?
Glen: Yes. Talking with you
and reflecting on our Circle meetings is actually me remember. I am restless
and sometimes have nightmares after our talks or the circle meetings.
Scott: Judith
Herman has written a classic book, Trauma and Recovery. In
it, she teaches that post-traumatic healing involves the
re-construction of a personal narrative. She calls the process “the restorative
practice of truth telling. ” (4) I wonder if that is what
is happening as you are sharing your story with me.
Glen: I think so. More
importantly, I trust you!
Scott: And I am honored by
the way you en-trust me.
Glen: So again: how do I
bring my full identity into congruence with the man I intend to be? How does
remembering and telling my truth help?
Scott: You talked about our
conversations and the Circle helping you to remember. It has also stirred
memories and material that you have been holding a long time. The release can
lead in the immediate to the restlessness that you describe. Yet in an
environment that is trustworthy and non-judgmental, you are invited to deepen
the journey. We might call this Re-memberment: restoration of that which has
been fragmented and dismembered.
Glen: Well, not remembering
the murder for so long moves towards an unsettled feeling; perhaps broken apart
from a bad memory. It is my desire to be whole. What do you think is next?
Scott: The re-construction
of your narrative opens up the possibility for you to understand and experience
your story in new ways that offer possibility and are life-giving. Your words,
as profound as they are, have been offered in the midst of a larger history and
context. Being able to recover and re-tell a fuller story opens the door for
release. Sharing it with others in an environment of trust makes it real.
Glen: But what do you think
it opens the door to?
Scott: In my faith
tradition we call it atonement. It is helpful to break that term down: At-one
-ment. It is a movement towards wholeness.
Glen: Tell me more.
Scott: According to our
friend Ed Tick, atonement is “performing acts of repair that bring what was
separated, divided, or broken back into union . . . re-creating
oneness within and between people and nations from the shattered bits of the
worlds that are left after the aftermath of war’s carnage.” (5) Glen,
I think “within” and “between” are really important terms here. Your inner
healing and actions taken to heal the world are inextricably tied together.
With the process of your inner healing, we are working toward you
reconstructing a “whole story” for your life, rather than being locked in a
fractured or reduced story defined by the events that have traumatized you.
Glen: Telling you what I
feel about combat leads to more remembering. I feel a need to piece that
together.
Scott: You get passionate
and energized when you talk about moral injury.
Glen: That’s true. I want
others to learn from my experiences. Other veterans could benefit and be more
at peace in their own skin.
Scott: I suggest that your
outreach to veterans is atonement. It helps them while it helps you.
Glen: It is healing. I have
some nightmares but I’m more calm and peaceful during the day.
Link to Second Intentional Dialogue: Moral Injury, Forgiveness, and Atonement >>>
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(1) Antal, C. J. (2013). Moral
Injury, Soul Wound, and Sin. White Paper received from author, pp. 11, 13.
(2) Litz, B., Stein, N., Delany, E.,
Liebowitz, L., Nash, W.P., Silva, C., Maguen, S. (2009). Moral Injury and Moral Repair in War Veterans: A Preliminary Model
and Intervention Strategy. Clinical Psychology
Review. 29(8): pp. 695-706.
(3) Antal, p. 14.
(4) Herman, J. (1992). Trauma
and Recovery. New York, NY: Basic Books, pp. 175-181.
(5) Cousineau, P. (ed) (2011). Beyond
Forgiveness: reflections on atonement. San Francisco, CA; Jossey-Bass, p. 116.
